Why is it “dead blogging” you may ask? Because I’ll probably kill myself half-way through the ordeal. By the Way. Did you know ESPN was showing the Heisman Trophy ceremony at 8 pm? I totally didn’t. I wish they would devote 90% of Sportscenter to it or at least give me a promo. Oh, and Kirk looks like he was up all night making a Herbstreit #4, because his racoon eyes were about to give me rabies.

Be that as it may, welcome to the official ITB 2006 Heisman Trophy live-blogging/dead-blogging update thread!

8:00-8:56 EST: Watch re-run of Heroes on NBC… post gratuitous picture of Hayden Panettierre.
8:57: See that Troy Smith won the Heisman.
9:57 (and 2 seconds): Go back to Heroes and watch them prepare to save the cheerleader so that they may/may not save the world.
As if I needed a reason for this

The Somewhat more serious synopsis:

Pre-show - AKA Sportscenter. Nice to see Barbaro hosting Sportscenter. Good to know his leg is all healed… wait, that’s Linda Cohn?

Separated at Birth?

8:05: Lee points out that no Ohio State QB has won the Heisman. Then he forgets Herbstreit’s name as he sends it over to him. Meanwhile, Quinn, McFadden and Smith pretend they enjoy eachother over a game of NCAA Football.

8:10: Brian Obergfell welcomes us to the Heisman Trophy presentation. Thank God. I’ve been wondering when Brian would thank us for the past 10 minutes.

8:12: ESPN sings McFadden’s praises for around 3.7 seconds, realizing it’s pointless to do more. Nor does D-Mac get to talk. Seriously, can we get rid of the whole D-Mac, T-Mac, A-Rod, A-Rod thing. Just say his name. Fowler, you look like a #$#!%^ idiot. Until this ends, no longer will I say people’s names on this site.

8:14: B-Qui gets about 2 minutes, looks extremely… how do I say it… homo-sexual tonight.

Because life isn’t complete without a Little Laura Quinn

8:16: They leave Smith for last, in no way signifying he will win… although they have featured Archie Griffin prominently tonight. Probably just a coincidence.

8:19: First mention of Ali Rap. Maybe there have been more, I haven’t really paid attention. Oh, and in the previous note, it should be T-Smit and A-Grif…

8:21: We learn B-Qui was a greedy little s#%@, denying his mother money when he was young… meanwhile, his sister comes off as the complete opposite… go figure.

8:22: Poli Sci Prof G-Lo (George Lopez) talks of B-QUi wanting to learn. Amazement oozes out of his words, showing shock that a Notre Dame football player could care about his academics.

8:24: Speaking of hindsight B-Ber (Bonnie Bernstein), that dress is not attractive, and no one really respects the Fergie hair. In other news, the man who sired B-Qui (yeah this is too annoying to continue) has the Red Foreman hair going on… so ladies (and AJ Hawk), be prepared for that in the future.

8:26: “Brady, what did Coach Weiss teach you to be a QB?” Answer in his mind: “Jack s#$^, Tyrone 4 Life!”

Aside: About Brian D. Obergfell
Along with Being a Trustee with the National Sports Museum and protector of the Heisman Trophy, Brian D. Obergfell has a day job. Brian is a partner at Emmett, Marvin & Martin, LLP. A Graduate of Boston U., he attended law school at New York Law School. No truth to the rumor he was at Game 7 of the Yanks-Red Sox game in 2004 wearing a half Red Sox/Yankees jersey.

Unlike Laura, Brian isn’t a traitor

8:34: We’ve learned that McFadden has purchased 5-6 pairs of shoes since arriving in NY. For some reason, this seems to bother no one. Nevermind that I had a job in college and could barely afford a pair of K-Mart sandals, yet he comes from a poor background in Arkansas, plays football and has no job… Just saying.

8:37: Commercial for Ali Rap! So “Float Like a Butterfly, Sting like a Bee” is a precursor to “First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys”. Thank you you shaking SOB.

8:39: Another Ali commercial. All is right with the world.

8:40: Troy Smith has overcome a lot, first and foremost his extreme hatred for sweater vests

Troy Smith was here, hating sweater vests.

8:45: What Jim Tressel “re-learned” from Troy Smith - Love is the strongest thing there is… there’s something weird going on at OSU. Someone needs to sick Carl Monday on the football program.

Watch out Tressel

8:48: The ceremony is brought to you by Nissan and the Braun 360 Complete, not to be confused with the Braun 180 half-assed edition.

8:50: A Craftsman commercial asks where I go for tools… my answer

8:51: Ali Raps commercial

8:53: ESPN introduces the past Heisman winners on hand… a who’s who of failed NFL players.

8:54: For those wondering, Judge John Spizzo is a judge of the Southern District of New York.

8:55: Judge Spizzo is currently vamping.

8:55: Troy Smith is announced the winner… damn, my pre-show guess was 10 seconds to late. Damn you Spizzo, couldn’t you have vamped for 10 more seconds?

8:58: Troy Smith thanks Quinn and McFadden, secretly for sucking a little more than he does.

9:00: My mother calls, asking if I can switch on MSNBC to see if the space shuttle has launched. She sounds as intoxicated as Linday Lohan on a Wednesday (i love you mom).

9:01: Smith talks for 5 minutes, then Fowler asks him to reach out and touch it. Corso slinks away to go stroke Mr. Beasley.

9:02: The final results: Smith gets 801 first place votes and breaks the record for the highest % of votes. Second place, McFadden I believe, gets 46, a close second indeed. Then Quinn, Hart and Slaton.

9:02 (2): Ali Raps begins. Jay-Z has relinquished his greatest in the world title, while I go peruse College Humor. Have a good night America.